Dear Journal,
Today is my dad’s birthday.
Today he had another talk with me about the girlfriend.
Today she came over and had dinner with us.
Today I’ve been on one of the biggest emotional rollercoasters of my life.
I’m happy, angry, sad, and hurt all at the same time.
I truly want my dad to be happy.
I hate that this is all happening, and that we went from having such good moments together to this feeling like a nightmare.
I hurt in a way that feels selfish, while at the same time feeling deeply unconsidered.
My dad talked with me today about how he’s spent a lot of time talking to my mom. About how she will never be replaced, but that he needs to allow himself to move forward. About how he would want the same for her if the roles were reversed. About how he doesn’t want to feel like he’s hiding something in his own home.
But after that conversation, I still feel like he doesn’t fully understand what I need.
I need the same time and grace to move forward too.
I need space to process this instead of feeling like such a huge change was suddenly placed into my life.
I wanted to run so far from the situation today. I wanted to head home early and avoid all of it. But it was his birthday, and I didn’t want him to be upset that I didn’t stay for dinner, so I stayed.
The girlfriend has been friends with my parents for a long time. Her oldest son is between my brother and me in age. We’ve known her for as long as I can remember.
So tonight at dinner, I watched her making friendly conversation with everyone. Laughing at all the kids’ silly comments. Trying so hard to fit in and make things feel comfortable. She did a really good job. And honestly, I found myself thinking about how hard that must be — walking into a situation like this while my brothers and I sat there with our own families.
I’m happy I stayed.
Getting through the first time is done now.
Maybe now I can let things settle a little and keep reminding myself that this isn’t a replacement, but the next chapter, like my dad told me.
As I sit here sobbing for probably the eighth time today while writing this, I will say there is absolutely nothing that prepares you for major life changes like this.
I’m thankful I can write these feelings out. And I’m thankful for anyone reading them. There’s comfort in being able to express my emotions in a way that might help someone else feel less alone in their own grief and complicated emotions.
Maybe healing isn’t about being fully ready for the next chapter. Maybe sometimes it’s simply surviving the first page of it.
But with that said, I can’t handle anymore today. I need to go to bed.
With Love,
The Shattered and Glowing Mama