Dear Journal,
My dad told me that he is “seeing” someone. My stomach instantly sank when those words came out over the phone the other morning.
He had texted me earlier and asked me to give him a call when I had a chance. Whenever my dad says something like that, my mind immediately jumps to something being wrong, and I try to call him back as quickly as possible.
Looking back, this probably could have been a conversation that waited. But it was the day before I was coming up to spend a long weekend at his house. He didn’t want me to hear from someone else.
I got here last night, and now I’m sitting down writing this because… she’s here.
Before anything else, I want to say this: I truly do want my dad to be happy.
He deserves happiness more than anything, and right now I know he probably needs companionship. He’s living in a brand-new house that he and my mom built together — a house they picked out together, decorated together, and planned their future in together.
Now he’s there alone. I understand that loneliness has to feel overwhelming. He may be ready for this, but I’m not. And I’m definitely not ready to explain it to my kids.
It’s only been a little over eight months since my mom passed away unexpectedly. I know everyone grieves differently, and I know there’s no exact timeline for healing, but this just feels so fast to me.
Oddly enough, this situation reminded me of something from years ago. After our family dog passed away, my mom had said she didn’t want another dog for a while. She wanted the freedom to travel and spend longer days away from home. But a little over a month later, my dad brought home a new dog anyway.
My mom was furious. And honestly? This feels a little like a repeat of that situation. I even told my dad that.
The amount of anxiety that has built up inside me over the past couple of days has been overwhelming. My stomach has been in knots.
Today, when no one else was around, I talked to my dad honestly about how difficult this is going to be for me. How hard it will be to see another woman here. How hard it will be for my kids to see another woman here. Especially my oldest daughter, who is ten and was incredibly close to my mom. How do I explain another woman walking around the house that my mom lovingly picked out and designed?
Again, I understand that it’s his house and his relationship. I truly do.
But I still can’t fully understand how we got here this quickly. Is eight months enough time? Maybe for some people it is. Maybe for others it never would be. I honestly don’t know.
Right now, I feel like I want to leave and not stay here for the weekend. And then the guilt creeps in.
Would leaving be selfish?
Would staying be harder on my kids?
Will my oldest daughter notice something is different?
How will she react when she eventually realizes?
The anger, anxiety, sadness, and even physical sickness I feel right now are all blending together in a way that’s hard to explain. I’m hoping that after sleeping on it, maybe things will feel a little lighter in the morning.
But tonight, I’m struggling. I just really can’t believe she’s here after my conversation with my dad earlier today.
Ugh.
I want to be supportive. I truly do. But right now, I honestly don’t know how.
Maybe grief isn’t just learning how to live without someone you love. Maybe it’s also learning how to navigate the ways life continues moving forward around you, even when your heart isn’t ready yet.
With Love,
The Shattered and Glowing Mama